I am wilted and shattered. Crushed and broken.” Political prisoner Andrei Shabanov wrote a heartbreaking letter from a penal colony

“I am wilted and shattered. Crushed and broken.” Political prisoner Andrei Shabanov wrote a heartbreaking letter from a penal colony

Andrei Shabanov, a saxophonist from Samara, is serving a six-year sentence over posts about the war. He has a Group II disability, progressive psoriasis, and arthritis. Andrei has said that in prison he is “rotting alive” because he is not receiving the treatment he needs.

Novaya Gazeta published Andrei’s letter to his mother. Here is what he writes:

Perhaps the most terrible thing that can happen to a person is to become indifferent to everything happening inside and around him. But this indifference is caused by the loss of faith in anything good. You can become embittered at the whole world and choose that path. But when you are not ready to choose the side of evil, even when you are at rock bottom. And at the same time, everything you hoped for fails to come true in any way, and then it is as if you are dying. There is nothing to cling to. Everything you have tried is futile. And you understand that an emptiness is forming inside you. That makes you feel deeply uneasy, it becomes very frightening.

Hopelessness is the most terrible stage of realizing that nothing can be changed anymore.

Mom, you did not deserve this. It is very hard for you, harder than for me, I know, forgive me. Hope for the best, but I am not counting on anything. We saw each other quite recently, and you saw what a distressing state I was in. You saw my tears and my mood. Crushed and broken. You saw how I have changed, lost weight. I am wilted, shattered by hopelessness.

Mom, you are still my guide and beacon. You are a candle in the darkness that should help me keep going — serve this sentence all these years. However, I am afraid that this is not enough. The system of suppression and humiliation hits very painfully. I am afraid I will not withstand it.

I am still alive for one reason — the remaining faith that something can still happen. That something good will happen. I understand that this is in the realm of fantasy; probably my last chance not to go out is to hope that Russian political prisoners will be handed over to EU countries. An exchange.

That is the word that warms me and keeps my mind alert. I feel uneasy at the thought that this will not happen. Can it really be that this option will not come true?

And this is how he ends his letter:

The most terrible thing that can happen is if a person loses faith and hope. And becomes indifferent to what is happening around and inside him.

I am afraid of losing faith in humanity, losing faith in the world. Over these years in captivity I have been disappointed many times — in friends, in the justice system, in my lawyer. Right now there is still a feeling of defenselessness. But I still hoped for something. For this incomprehensible something that would save me.

Now things could not be worse. I am still alive and I want to live. I want to bring joy to those around me, I am a musician. Even though I am losing my skills. I see no other option than to get into an exchange group. I want to tear up these pages; I understand that I am writing naive nonsense. But somewhere deep down there is still a little flame of hope called “what if.”

What if this is not nonsense, what if it is possible. What if there are people who can organize the rescue of Russian political prisoners who are in a difficult situation. Disabled people, pensioners, the wronged.

Help us!

Andrei Shabanov in court / Photo: Telegram channel of the support group

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