The “Russian world” has finally reached sex shops too.

The “Russian world” has finally reached sex shops too.

According to deputies and the Russian Orthodox Church, their very existence undermines the people’s chastity and distracts them from patriotism.

Naturally, the priests clucked the loudest of all.

Churchmen are demanding that the spicy assortment be replaced with “something that brings people back to faith and spirituality.”

However, given that total depravity was a tradition of the Russian church and the Russian people, the replacement can be made without closing the shops.

The goods simply need to be churched up, bringing them into line with Holy Scripture, the lives of the saints, and liturgics.

It is not as hard as it seems.

Eight-pointed rubber phalluses with particles of relics fused into them will be bought by the hundreds by both women’s and men’s monasteries.

(It would make sense to equip them with the ability to cheerfully squeak the hymn “We who mystically represent the DICKubim.”)

Life-size dolls called “Abbess” and “Sister” will also delight customers.

Lubricants called “Oleaginous” and “Cellular” will become sales hits.

Rubber vaginas could be fitted with little wings, while the “Patriarchal” strap-on, (with the face of Comrade Gundyayev) will break every record.

Alexander Zaremba, executive director of the Union of Fathers of Russia, proposed banning sex shops and the online sale of intimate goods in Russia. In his opinion, such products corrupt young people, and therefore access to them must be restricted. The Union of Fathers’ proposal is supported by State Duma deputies, the Moscow Region, the Russian Orthodox Church, and Roskomnadzor.

Nevzorov

@nevzorovtv